


After the Rain

by GreenestApple



Category: Formula 1 RPF, Rush (2013)
Genre: Apologies, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Post-Nürburgring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 13:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7641409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenestApple/pseuds/GreenestApple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James goes to see Niki for the first time after the accident.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After the Rain

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, this fic is built on the premise that James never went to talk to Niki at the Italian GP, or in the hospital, and is choosing to do so at the hotel after the race. I know this kind of fic has probably been done a million times already, but i just had to do my own take on it, hope it's enjoyable haha, it turned out a lot more fluffy than i had originally planned. Sorry for any mistakes, it's not betaed because i'm lazy and stuff :P

After standing there like an idiot for what felt like forever, James finally raised his hand to knock softly on the door. The sudden impulse to just turn around and run away caught him by surprise, making him realize just how nervous he was despite trying to convince himself otherwise. It was just Niki, wasn't it? Nothing had changed, he repeated to himself for the hundredth time. He ran a hand through his hair, counting down the seconds to when it would be appropriate to just assume that there was no one in the room and leave, but just as he was about to turn from the door, the sound of the lock clicking made him freeze in place.

The door opened only slightly and James could feel his pulse start to race in a ridiculous way as Niki peered out, seeming to be caught completely off guard by seeing James there.

"James," he said, staring at him in shock, "I thought-" he trailed off, moving slightly to look behind James if there was anyone else in the hallway.

"Um, I can go," James mumbled as Niki's eyes snapped back to him, "if you were already expecting someone else that is," he continued, feeling suddenly at least ten years younger as he fumbled for words like a nervous schoolboy. Niki looked at him with an open expression, seeming to consider his proposal and James couldn't stop his eyes from wandering to Niki's right ear, peaking from under the blue cap and looking so painful that it made James' breath catch in his throat. Niki seemed to notice James’ discomfort, looking suddenly very pensive as his hand moved to pull the door closer to him.

"Yes, I think that would be best," he said silently, retreating back into the room. A sudden panic gripped James and he moved without thinking to hold the door open, almost getting his fingers squashed between the doorframe. Niki let go, allowing James to open the door again, his expression almost alarmed as he took a step backwards further into the room.

"Niki, I'm sorry, please, can we talk?" James said, a hint of desperation in his voice. He hated how vulnerable he felt there under Niki's stare, but he knew there was something very important depending on this moment and he couldn't just give up. Niki blinked, lost in thought for a second before giving James a curt nod, turning to walk inside with James following him. The room was in an immaculate condition, looking thoroughly unlived in even though they had been at the hotel the entire weekend and James supposed that that was exactly the way Niki liked it.

"Are you flying home tonight or?" James inquired, attempting to establish some kind of casual conversation, even though judging by the look on Niki's face, his effort was not appreciated.

"No, I have to go back to the hospital," Niki said flatly, eyes darting quickly from James to cast an uncharacteristically solemn look out the window and James could physically feel his heart drop. What a stupid fucking question, he thought.

"Shit, I'm sorry, I just-"

"Don't know what to say?" Niki finished for him, their eyes meeting in an awkward silence. Niki's hand went to his cap, pulling it gently down so that it covered more of his face, his lips pursed together tightly.

"You shouldn't feel bad, you're not the only one," Niki said distantly, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. James stared at him emptily, feeling like every single thing he'd thought of saying was just absolute rubbish and not what Niki needed to hear right now.

"So was there something you wanted to talk about or did you just come here to gawk?" Niki asked, his voice strained, on the verge of either anger or sorrow and right at that moment James realized that he'd just been kidding himself, of course everything had changed.

He stood there for an agonizing moment, fight or flight instinct kicking in. The thought of just leaving and pretending the encounter never happened flashed through his mind, but he knew that doing so would mean the end of whatever he and Niki had together and that was the last thing he wanted.

"To be honest, I came to apologize," James said, unsure where to continue from there, but wanting desperately to explain himself.

"Why would you need to apologize?" Niki said, turning to look at James with genuine surprise, as if James couldn't possibly have anything to feel remorseful about and if that wasn't just the most ridiculous thing.

"If I had voted with you the race would never have gone ahead," James said with a lump building in his throat, the words choked out and burning with shame, but Niki only looked at him indifferently.

"There were at least twenty other drivers there, what makes your vote so special? Any one of them could've voted differently," Niki said to him calmly, giving his hand a dismissive wave and James just couldn't bear it, Niki didn't understand him at all!

"Because, god damnit Niki, I love you and I voted against you and I fucking hate myself for it!" James exclaimed, hands balled into fists by his sides, wanting to just grasp the other man and shake him to make him see how absolutely horrendous James felt. He was frozen in place, chest heaving with the churning of an ocean of troubled emotions inside of him, he felt like he was about to burst at the seams, but Niki wasn't even looking at him.

"So I don't know, I guess I just came here to tell you what a piece of shit I am and that I don't fucking deserve you," James said in a hush, swallowing back the tears burning at his eyes and Niki still wasn't looking at him and he wanted to just punch something. Preferably himself. The silence was unbearable. James felt like his lungs didn't want to draw air again, like he wanted to just throw up and trash a few hotel rooms, anything to give him release from this torment.

"I’m not going to lie, everything does hurt these days,” Niki said suddenly, startling James slightly, ”it hurts when I breathe, when I blink my eyes, or lie down and my head still feels like it's on fire, like it's burning," Niki's hand came up to ghost against the blue cap before falling back abruptly, gaze shifting uneasily as he continued, "in the hospital I often wished that I had just died, but seeing you win all those races brought me back from that, it made me want to race again.”

James could feel his heart twist in an awful way, all of his anger melting away into nothingness as Niki's words settled like a stone in the pit of his stomach.

”I can't remember what went wrong, why I crashed, but I know that it was nobody's fault but my own. So yes, it's been fucking awful, but not for a second do I blame you for it, James," Niki said, conviction in his voice even though he looked more tired than James had ever seen him, "so stop being an idiot." He looked back up at James and managed the tiniest hint of a smile that made some sort of butterflies burst in James' stomach, even though he still felt like shit.

James faltered, before slowly walking to sit beside Niki on the bed, hands uncurled and shaking slightly and neither of them said anything for a moment. James could feel the tightly wound up knot in his stomach loosen, allowing him to breathe freely for the first time in what seemed like forever.

”I just can't believe this happened to you,” James admitted, covering his face with his hands for a moment and drawing in a deep breath.

”It can happen to anyone,” Niki said, the grave statement left hanging in the air between them. It was something that the drivers usually avoided thinking about, until the moment came that another one of their friends was taken from them.

”I didn't really believe in that before, but if you could crash, then the rest of us should really be counting our blessings, ratty,” James said wryly, failing to see the fond smile that briefly graced Niki's face at the mention of his nickname.

James couldn't help but notice how much lighter his whole body felt when he could finally be this close to Niki again and despite the guilt that he couldn't quite let go of yet, a pleasant feeling spread through him. James would never admit it to Niki, but he had actually been frightened of what the fire had done to Niki's face. Not knowing the extent of Niki's injuries had left James guessing just how much of the features he so loved were burned and marred forever and he'd been both terrified that he would never look at Niki the same again as well as horribly ashamed of even entertaining such a thought.

Not going to the hospital had been the sum of many poor decisions on James' part, but the dreams he'd kept on having where Niki was completely unrecognizable and hooked up to all kinds of machines had definitely played a major role. He only hoped that Niki could one day forgive him for his cowardice. James wanted to apologize again, but couldn't quite bring himself to ruin the peaceful silence that had fallen between them.

He turned to observe the side of Niki's face, the raw, red skin making his chest constrict painfully, but underneath it all James could still see the same man; the same eyes, nose, lips, and he held on to one shuddering breath before sighing deeply to calm the blood rushing in his veins, because Niki was still himself and James couldn’t have been more grateful for anything. Yet to his surprise, Niki practically flinched under his gaze, hanging his head with a pained look.

”Please don't,” Niki said tensely, pulling on his cap in a nervous effort to cover more of his head and James could feel his blood run cold in his veins.

”What?” James said stupidly, not fully understanding what Niki was asking of him.

”Look so closely.” Came the stern reply and James swallowed thickly, rendered speechless for a moment. Instead of backing away he shifted closer and took the other driver's palm between his, noticing how even there the skin was rippled and burnt in places. Niki looked pensively at their conjoined hands, but didn't move to detach himself.

”Why would you not want me to look at you?” James pried, knowing the answer full well but needing to hear Niki say it himself. Niki huffed in annoyance, looking at James sharply and it was weird what such a small gesture could do as James felt his heart swell; he'd really missed Niki getting annoyed at him. 

”Because I look terrible and I don't want you to see me like this,” Niki said unequivocally, his expression conveying his discontent for having to actually voice the words, but James made sure to hold his gaze without wavering. 

”I don't care about your scars, it's not like you charmed me with your dashing looks, love,” James said with a small laugh, even though he couldn't deny that he'd always found Niki to be endearingly adorable, with his curly hair and prominent overbite. Whether Niki knew it or not, his looks had indeed played a role in why James had been completely smitten by him, but now was not the time to elaborate on that.

The thought of Niki being self-conscious about his injuries hadn't really crossed James' mind at all, a fact for which he now felt extremely stupid. It just felt like such a foreign thing to associate with Niki, who had always been unwavering when people openly mocked his appearance. Now James had to wonder, if Niki's indifference had always just been for show, to not give any satisfaction to his taunters and James really wished it wasn't so, because he himself had said some things to Niki that now made his stomach twist in remorse.

”Don't be stupid, of course you care, I've seen the people you surround yourself with and I don't exactly fit in, especially now,” Niki said, feigning indifference, but James knew him well enough to see the hurt on his face.

”You really think I'm that vain? God, Niki, I don't care about those assholes, not like I care about you and you know that,” James said firmly, slightly upset at Niki's insinuation, but he wanted to believe that Niki didn't really mean it and that he was just grasping at straws. What James didn't understand was why Niki seemed so desperate to push him away.

”You realize that they won't ever heal? They won't go away,” Niki said, emotion starting to creep back into his voice and James gave his hand a little squeeze before replying.

”I do.”

”I don't understand you,” Niki said wearily, fixing his gaze on the floor.

”Come on Niki, it's just me, what are you afraid of?" James asked, slightly anxious about the answer he would get. He didn't want for the accident to become a wedge between them, for Niki to hide from his sight and not want to be near him. The thought of it was unbearable.

"I'm afraid that the more you look at me, the more you start to feel disgusted, so maybe it's best you just stay away,” Niki said, his accent very thick as he rushed through the words and gently pulled his hand away from James', turning to look in the other direction. James would've smiled at how Niki always managed to speak his mind even in the most difficult situations, if it wasn't for the absolute heartbreak that he was feeling.

”Don't be silly, I could never think you're disgusting,” James paused, swallowing thickly, ”but I'll leave if you want me to.” He forced the words out of himself, though they came as easily as teeth being pulled.

Niki turned back to him slowly, as if it took a great deal of effort to do so, head slightly bowed and face almost completely hidden by the cap and James wanted nothing more than to just rip the stupid thing off, but then Niki tilted his head to look straight at him and his eyes were open and pleading in a way James hadn't really experienced before. James knew right away that the absolute last thing Niki wanted was for him to leave, even if he couldn’t bring himself to say it. After all, he'd waited for so long to see James again.

”I'm so sorry I didn't come to the hospital,” James almost whispered, shame gnawing at his stomach and he wanted to just throw up again, the terrible guilt rearing its head once more.

”It's better you didn't see me like that,” Niki simply said, face blank, but James couldn't help but notice how the corners of his lips pulled slightly downwards, eyes shifting anxiously.

”No, you're wrong, I should've been there, but I was scared and stupid," he whispered, wanting to go on, to tell Niki everything about the past weeks, about the dreams he’d had, but the growing lump in his throat prevented any further words from getting through.

“I forgive you, if that’s what you want to hear, but I don’t think there’s anything to forgive,” Niki said, steadfast as always, but James was sure there was something underneath his unflinching demeanor, something that maybe he wasn’t ready to discuss yet, and for now James accepted it.

“Thank you,” he said, breathing in deeply to calm his racing pulse and stop the persistent tears from falling down his cheeks. He’d known that seeing Niki again wouldn’t be easy, but he couldn’t have even imagined that it would be this hard. Probably because after the accident he’d either been in denial about Niki’s condition or royally drunk and usually both at the same time. He’d only really started to think when his feet had already taken him down the corridor to Niki’s room.

“I’ve really missed you, ratty,” James said and Niki smiled lopsidedly, catching James’ gaze with a glint in his eye.

“Tired of not having anyone to bust your balls, huh?” He asked playfully and James laughed, shaking his head.

“Well, that’s one way of putting it,” he replied, turning back to look at Niki with a fond look on his face, “but really I’ve missed just seeing you at the track,” he continued, a tad more serious and Niki’s smile wavered, gaze trailing from James’, “fussing over your car or trying to rile me up and seeing you on the podium and I’ve missed beating you and even losing to you and fuck, I’ve missed your stupid smile and-“ he halted his rambling, unsure if he should really go on with what he wanted to say.

“I’ve just missed having you close and I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t be saying this right now,” he managed, just then realizing that he’d never actually told things like this to Niki before, he’d never been as open and he knew that too much had gone unsaid between them, left to be interpreted from sideways glances and passing touches when no-one could see, but now he found himself needing to be certain that Niki knew exactly how he felt.

“I think this is as good a time as any,” Niki said quietly, eyes mapping James’ face, “having come so close to death, I no longer value patience as much as I used to,” he continued, a somber look in his eyes and James couldn’t hide the heartache he felt, being once again reminded how easily Niki could have just succumbed to his injuries had he not been such a stubborn bastard. Yet it also made him realize what a precious moment they had been given instead and how it should not be wasted. Not another second should be wasted with indecision or doubt.

“I miss kissing you,” James admitted then, face flushing slightly and he wanted to laugh, because he was almost sure that no woman had ever made him blush, but there he was, cheeks red all because of a rat. 

They’d only kissed a handful of times before, quick pecks after races, hidden from sight. They didn’t talk about it afterwards, in part because it felt so natural, but also because they didn’t know what to say. James had enjoyed it, but at the same time something inside had nagged at him, telling him that he wanted more than that, more than the stolen kisses and longing glances. He’d never paid it much mind until Niki had been engulfed in those flames and rushed to the hospital, that’s when he’d realized what an idiot he’d been.

“I’m not sure if you know how much you mean to me,” James said, feeling like a heavy weight was being lifted from his shoulders as he spoke and Niki looked at him with such ardent affection that James was afraid his heart might burst from the overwhelming warmth of it.

“I do,” Niki replied after a moments hesitation, “and I love you too,” he said without a trace of doubt in his voice, eyes full of meaning and fixed on James with a gravity that shook him to his core.

James smiled from ear to ear, feeling like after all this torturous waiting and praying they’d been given a second chance. All he wanted was to do things right this time. He felt slightly embarrassed that the first time he’d confessed his love to Niki was unthinkingly in an anger fueled spout, but he supposed that it didn’t really matter, since the end result was this sweet.

“Can you take that stupid hat off now so I can kiss you?” James laughed lightheartedly, failing to notice how Niki tensed up, smile fading from his lips. When their eyes met again there was an uneasy look in Niki’s, like he was trying very hard to mask his dread, but to little success.

“Oh Niki,” James sighed, wrapping an arm around his back,” I’m sorry,” he whispered close to Niki’s damaged ear, “you don’t have to take it off if you don’t want to.”

“No, I’m acting like an idiot, you take it off,” Niki said, sounding exasperated by his own timidness. James acted true to Niki’s wish, his hand coming up to the blue cap, fingers curling around the rim and slowly lifting, being careful not to yank too hard as he removed the hat and placed it on the bed beside them. Neither of them said anything, Niki's eyes were fixed somewhere on James' shirt, calmly waiting as if for some sort of judgement.

James’ gaze traced the scar-tissue that covered half of Niki’s face and while the cap hadn’t really hidden much of it, under the bright lights of the hotel room the sight did give James pause. The fresh skin was smooth and pink, descending from underneath the bandages and down Niki’s forehead to stop just below his eyes and James hadn’t realized it before, but of course his eyebrows and lashes had been burnt off as well, altering his appearance further. 

The burns stretched down his right cheek to where they met the angry red curve of his charred ear and James wanted to reach out, to caress the face he’d come to love and soothe Niki’s pain and his whole being ached when he knew he couldn’t. Niki looked somehow younger, more vulnerable, his face open and exposed and James wanted nothing more than to protect him from all harm from that moment on.

“Does it hurt very badly?” James whispered, not knowing what else to say.

“Not right now, I took some strong pills after the race,” Niki replied, fingers gracing the dressings briefly, very gently inspecting his head, “is there blood on the bandages?” He asked calmly, looking at James with watchful eyes.

“A little bit, is that bad?” James said, hastily checking the other side of Niki’s head as well.

“They need to be changed, I was actually waiting for a nurse to come by and do that when you showed up,” Niki explained, seeming to pick up on James’ nervousness, “it’s nothing I can’t handle, don’t worry,” he went to say with a crooked smile.

“That’s not very comforting considering the amount of shit you can handle,” James replied, smiling mirthfully back even though he wasn’t exactly reassured by Niki’s nonchalance, “are you sure there’s nothing I could do for you, I did go to medical school after all,” he offered, trying not to laugh when Niki looked at him dubiously, one brow raised as much as the healing skin would allow.

“Not that I don’t trust you, but I’d rather let an actual professional take care of it,” he said, almost teasing in his tone of voice, before falling back to a more serious note, “besides, it’s not a pretty sight.”

“Look, love, I want all parts of you, even the ones that aren’t as pretty as the rest,” James said with all the charm he could muster, flashing that smile that he knew had brought many women to their knees and Niki huffed quietly, rolling his eyes, but James could spy the color that rose to the undamaged skin of his cheeks.

“You are a strange one, you know that,” Niki mused, turning to observe James with that speculative look James was used to seeing on his face whenever Niki called him out on his bullshit, which was quite often, “you could have anyone in this world and yet you’d choose to even spare me a second glance,” he stated, seeming unbothered by the self-deprecating implication and genuinely curious instead.

“You exaggerate, the princess of Monaco has turned me down on a number of occasions as I recall,” James replied, amused at Niki’s choice of words and even more so at the expression that took hold of his face after hearing James’ answer, “but darling, really, why would I want just anyone,” at this he leaned closer, effectively wiping the disgruntled look from Niki’s face, “when I could have you?”

“What makes you think you can ‘have’ me?” Niki said in an attempt to seem unaffected by James’ wooing, but even to his own ears the words lacked the bite he’d wanted to instill in them and sounded instead more like an inviting taunt. James smiled accordingly, never one to turn away from a challenge, his hand coming tenderly to Niki’s jawline, heart leaping at the contact with Niki’s smooth, unscathed skin.

“This,” James said, locking their lips in a languid embrace, slow and gentle and everything he’d dreamed of for so long. Niki exhaled through his nose with a wistful sound, drifting to press more firmly against James’ eager mouth. With every brush of their lips he felt like a piece of himself that had been missing since the flames was suddenly returned, like he was alive and not merely surviving.

James’ hand went to the back of Niki’s head, just below the bandages, touching with such softness and care that had Niki not been enjoying it so much, he might’ve made a remark about how he wasn’t a fragile thing, not even now, but as it was, he relished in every caress. In that moment, he could almost forget the way his new skin ached and felt wrong on his body and let the deep soreness in his soul be soothed. Their mouths came together again and again in a slow tempo and as James nipped lazily on his lower lip Niki found himself lulled into a dreamy smile.

“Stop smiling you asshole and let me kiss you,” James mumbled, trying to sound serious, but failing to stop the laughter bubbling up inside of him.

“Sorry,” Niki whispered, vaguely embarrassed, but as James kissed him again, lips more demanding, his hand grasping at Niki’s cardigan to pull him closer, he couldn’t do anything but fall back into him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm such a sucker for happy endings, damnit.


End file.
